These last 8 weeks have been really hard for me emotionally. Losing a baby or babies makes you so aware of the fragility and gift of life. I started at 13 weeks having weekly visits with my OB/GYN to help me through this time where anything could happen. Each week with a heartbeat was a new glimmer of hope. The placenta is on the front of the uterus, which has made it more difficult for me to actually FEEL the baby moving.
From the beginning of this pregnancy I tried to approach it with the attitude of ‘I will love every day that I continue to be pregnant’. Then, the days would come where my mind was full of all the things I had absolutely no control over. I tried once at 18 weeks to go more than 7 days without hearing this baby’s heartbeat and it almost drove me crazy in the head. I would wake up at weird hours of the morning in a complete state of worry about this little baby. It would take a lot of rational thoughts, speaking with my husband and others, & sincere prayer to make it through those moments.
I feel keenly aware of the gift I have been given this Christmas. We found out we are expecting a baby boy and at 20 weeks, he is still here and is healthy in all ways that we can see. It has been a Christmas Gift beyond comprehension. I am at moments still in shock of the possibility of a normal full-term pregnancy and a baby boy at that. Each of my other kids, all girls, are anticipating his arrival and removing the doubts they have carried as well about this baby being born alive.
I am grateful for the Giver of Life and the gift of life in this Holiday season.