I might be one of the few, but I love being pregnant.
I prayed for this baby. I prayed for this experience. I wanted deeply to know and appreciate every little movement of a life growing within. I took it for granted before. I wanted to remember the feeling of a hic-up, that kick against the ribs and pressure against my hip bones. I had forgotten about certain aspects of pregnancy like pubis symphasis or hands and feet swelling or the frequent bathroom trips and pained hips from side sleeping (I am totally a belly sleeper). I am determined not to complain though, because this pregnancy for me is a miracle.
After all of my previous miscarriages, there is no way I would want to pass through this experience with a negative attitude. I still have moments where my fears of loss arise again. Just yesterday, driving to my check up, they came out of no where. Thoughts of “what if I get there and don’t hear that heart beat?” “What if there is a cord accident of some kind?” “What if’s” love to plague my mind, if I let them. But they take away from the joy of every moment that I am pregnant. I am so thankful for SimplyHealed as a tool to quickly shift my energy and focus and let go of my fears.
It is the most beautiful feeling to have my 3 other living children come hug my belly, and talk to their brother. To kiss him goodnight and laugh every time they see my belly move. I love to hear my husband talk about his son in anticipation and not hold back his words because of fear. I love that when we see each other, he always rubs my belly in greeting to our little one.
There is a real trauma associated with the loss of a child at any age. I am still healing from mine. This pregnancy and my choice to not let fear rule it, has been one of the most healing experiences and gifts I could ever have received.
God knew my heart, and for only His goodness, saw fit to heal it in this way.
I realize that I have just 6 weeks left. Some mothers might be relieved, but there is this part of me that doesn’t want it to end. I relish every moment and movement. Even when I wake up at 2am and can’t fall asleep for 2-3 hours (as I write). Pregnancy is sorta the easy part. Once our little man arrives, knowing and caring for his needs will be life altering again. But I am sure I have as much to learn in that experience as I have from these last 34 weeks.