A very tender way to end my evening. I came to bed and saw Jeff watching videos of my Norah – self-recordings she had made over the last two days on the iPad – telling us over and over again how much she loves us and our family. What a sweet and tender child she is and is becoming more of. Days like today I feel somewhat selfish for moments I take to myself or dreams I seek to reach for myself, when I have been given such a precious responsibility to be Mother to my children.
My heart is tender for various reasons. This morning Jeff and I went to our first OB/GYN appointment. Such an amazing moment to see the baby move and hear a strong heartbeat. My girls are so excited. They spent nearly ALL day painting a beautiful & very long mural for the Baby, “if the baby lives” as Norah said. They, at such a young and tender age understand the fleetingness of life. How I want this baby! For so many reasons. My children would love to know this experience, to be big sisters again. To know that there truly is something to be said for clearing emotions and how that blesses and improves our body functions. To have another child to love to experience this mortal journey with us.
I need to tell my children more often the specific things about them that I love and appreciate. Whether it be in letter form or video form. Jeff and I made a quick little video for Norah to find sometime on the iPad, as a surprise. Hoping that she will recognize how we love and value her and her place in our family. My children need to know, above all else and more often, that I am so proud of who they are. They are unique, yet powerful individuals. My girls will leave a mark on this world in simple, big and even powerful ways. I am so honored to be a Mom. To be THEIR Mom. To get to grow in love and pain from both success and mistakes.
In so many ways, I feel just like them, as a little girl just learning how to live my life. I am amazed at my responsibility & opportunity to learn to love like God as a mother. This kind of learning is not for the faint of heart. Being a mom tugs at your heart strings more than I ever could have imagined. I wrote down today 3 lessons I have learned from grief and loss. Thinking back to the moments for each child’s miscarriage, where I was told their spirit had left their body. I remember every room, nearly every moment. It is like I can play in my minds eye these home movies of my life. These are tender moments. But honestly, I want to be able to remember just as vividly each and every happy and joyful moment spent interacting as a family and with each individual child. My babies are growing up. Do they know how much my heart loves them and pleads for their happiness and success?
Thank you Father, for the gift of my husband and the miracle of each of my children. Eliza, Norah, Spencer, Zoe, Evan, Carole and #7. 🙂